Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
