he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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