I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
