Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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