you have to choose: penises or morals?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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