I can text with my tongue
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
