there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
