the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
