In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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