ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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