I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
