I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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