If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
