did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
