Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize