Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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