Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
