hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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