he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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