Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
