let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
