sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
