in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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