He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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