I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
