just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
