I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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