I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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