you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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