wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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