I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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