she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
