Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
