I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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