If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
