I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
