There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
