ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize