You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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