I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just took my morning after pill in the library
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
