i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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