a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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