Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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