I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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