You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
