My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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