we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
