Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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