Are we in a gay sports bar?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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