wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
