I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
