Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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