you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
