I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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