so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
