Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
