I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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