If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
