Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
