You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
