I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
